LIVING The Self-Care Challenge

The first week of October is Mental Health Week—and a great time to join me and Dr. Ann Dunnewold, the “Real Mom” experts, psychologists and authors of Life Will Never Be The Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide, in launching the 21-day women’s self-care challenge.

Beginning Oct. 6, 2010 and wrapping up Oct. 26, 2010, we’ll bring women daily inspiration and practical self-care tips. Most experts agree that it takes 21 days to establish a new habit. Each day, we will provide concrete, manageable, 10-to-15-minute strategies to help women develop this most important skill into a lasting habit. In addition to sharing strategies on this blog, we encourage women to talk about self-care with their friends and family, on their own blogs, and through their Facebook and Twitter accounts.

Please visit LIVINGSelfCare.wordpress.com to join the ground-breaking 21-day self-care challenge.

Why is Self-Care Important?
According to Wikipedia, self-care is personal health maintenance. The research is quite clear that the regular practice of self-care contributes to optimal physical and mental health.
As the existence of a Wikipedia entry shows and 156 million Google hits suggest, the term “self-care” is widely recognized and even more readily endorsed as a key factor in living a well-balanced life. Nevertheless, for women, self-care is often last on the list of things to do.

How To LIVE the Self-Care Challenge
To LIVE the challenge, all participants are asked to do is make these three commitments to themselves.
1. Visit the blog, LIVINGSelfCare.wordpress.com, every day from Oct. 6-26 to read the self-care tip and strategy.
2. Each day, spend up to 15 minutes following the concrete and manageable self-care tip provided.
3. Start talking about self-care with your friends, family and online community.

By the conclusion of LIVING the Self-Care Challenge, we hope to have empowered and inspired you to live self-care each and every day.

Self-Care Challenge Links
Official “LIVING the Self-Care Challenge” Blog: LIVINGselfcare.wordpress.com
Twitter: @realmomexperts
Twitter Discussion Hashtag: #SelfCareChal
Facebook Discussion Group

Motherhood: A Duty or A Calling?

Photo from Diana's Grove

I spent this past weekend attending a women’s retreat about leadership.  Now, before you get the wrong idea and think that it was all work and no play, let me tell you a few things.  The place I go, called Diana’s Grove, is a 100 acre wilderness paradise in southern Missouri in the Ozark mountain range.  The food is yummy and healthy, a tough combination to find, and there’s always dessert.  After lunch, we got a three-hour break to take a nap, walk the land, and soak up whatever R&R was needed.  Walking back to our cabins at the end of the evening session, the sky was so clear, we could see the entire pattern of constellations above us.  It felt like the stars were within our reach.  Truly magic.

Our study for the weekend was about how those of us attending regarded being leaders in our work, communities and families. We talked about:

• the challenges and rewards of duty,
• the cost in effort, energy, and attention of being a leader,
• the feeling that we’d like to let someone else do the work and go goof off,
• the sense of depletion and exhaustion one feels.

Sound  like motherhood?  I thought so.

Then there is the payoff of duty, such as:

• the comfort and safety of having a schedule and familiarity with the work one does,
• the solid sense of self one has from conforming to a role and defined expectations,
• the security of a paycheck, group rules and norms.

The work of leadership is not necessarily easy, but it is steady and predicatable.  Again, I thought about motherhood — the shared identity, routines of daily living, and belonging to one of the biggest clubs on the planet even if, at times, we want to revoke our membership.

Next we discussed the rewards and challenges of the “calling,” or following one’s hearts desire.  What could be better than experiencing the rewards of the calling? Some rewards include:

• becoming the person we’re intended to be and embracing life fully,
• living with passion and a whole-hearted dedication to one’s life’s work,
• transforming ourselves,
• discovering our life’s path,
• changing the world.

Sound like motherhood ?  I think so.

Finally, we arrived at the challenges of the ”calling,” which include:

• not knowing what comes next, navigating uncharted waters, and falling down the rabbit hole without a parachute,
• relying on internal security not external support,
• abandoning many ideas we thought to be true for new ones,
• struggling with risk, uncertainty and fear.

Does this sound like  motherhood?  Absolutely.

So, I invite you to consider the challenges and rewards of your life as a mom.  Think about the push and pull we feel of the duty and the ”calling” of motherhood.  Think about how you’ve defined yourself as a mom up until now.  Duty? Calling? Both?  Then imagine how you want to combine duty and “calling” on your journey ahead.  Each day is an opportunity to choose anew.  Each choice is an opportunity to transform yourself — to fully express the spark of divinity in your soul and become the mom and person you are meant to be.

Back-to-School Madness: The Art of “Letting Go”

It’s August and you know what that means… back to school.  Even if your children don’t start until after Labor Day, which is rare these days, there’s still the hustle and bustle of school supplies, clothes, books, dorm furniture, and everything they seem to need to start the year successfully.  When I was in Wal-Mart last Saturday, the school supplies aisle was ravaged and an irate mother was complaining that she couldn’t find the right set of colored markers for her son.  Nearby a mom and daughter argued over which backpack was better, one with multiple compartments for gadgets and gizmos, the  mom’s choice, or one adorned with rhinestones, glitter and Hannah Montana,  her daughter’s favorite.  I remembered how stressful it could be shopping for back-to-school before my daughters, now 22 and 18, were able to shop for themselves, and wondered to myself, “What is this really about?”

When I was young, I know my mother and her peers were not caught up in a storm of emotion when each year school began for us.  I recall that we would get a list of supplies which mom would buy and bring them home.  Then she would take us to the department store, have us try on some clothes she picked out, and we’d have our back-to-school outfits.  Since most moms stayed home, they often welcomed their children’s return to school.  With  summer winding down, we were usually ready to start as well.  There was little angst between moms and children.  No arguments over backpacks or first-day-of-school outfits or elementary-aged girls wearing makeup.  It was not eventful or stressful, just another school year beginning.

So, why are moms, and some dads, so stressed out these days about back to school?  I think there are several reasons.  First, families today are busier than ever before and adding another thing to the list, especially an important one, can be overwhelming.  Where’s the time between squeezing in a vacation, fall sports practice, or those last few playdates to shop for supplies, prepare your child emotionally, meet the teacher and all the other start-of-school activities that have been added.  I think most moms are already running on empty by summer’s end, so it’s no surprise that many families struggle through this transition.

Secondly, there is the expectation of making certain that things are “just right” from  school supplies to their child’s attitude to insuring  things will go well.  Stay-at-home moms feel they have to get things right because they don’t work outside of their home, and will be judged on how well they succeed at mother-related tasks, like preparing their child for school.  Moms who work outside of the home feel that they have to get it right because their work takes time away from focusing exclusively on being a good mom.  And, unfortunately or not, children have minds of their owns when it comes to how they feel about school starting and deciding how to deal with it.  No mom, or dad, is powerful enough to guarantee that their son or daughter will take their “best self” to the first day of school or any day after.  It just doesn’t work like that.

Finally, moms and dads sometimes project the worries and concerns they have about school starting on their children.  For example, one mom told me recently that her daughter was terrified about going to kindergarten.  So the mom was startled when the second day of school her daughter woke up and said “I’m ready to go.  How soon can we leave?”  I know I’ve reacted like this when I’ve been frightened about what one of my daughters was going through, like starting middle school, which didn’t phase my older daughter in the least.  However, I remember moving to a different school district after sixth grade and not knowing anyone my first day of class in junior high.  As parents, it’s important that we learn to keep our issues to ourselves, and if we think our children have strong feelings about school or other situations, make certain it’s them feeling concerned and not what it’s bringing up for us.  Truly, this is a better choice for all concerned.

So, practice “letting go” whether it’s giving up finding the exact set of markers or not projecting your fears on your child.  Cut out what’s not urgent on your to-do list to have the time and emotional energy required for easing into back to school.  Do what you can to make this a positive time for you and your family by “letting go” and maybe, even, having some fun.

For more advice about back-to-school, see my Saturday August 21 interview on Today in St. Louis or read my comments on St. Louis Moms Like Me.

Warmly, Dr. Diane Sanford, Real Mom Expert

Mother Love Begins From Within: Have You Hugged Yourself Today?

August is a crazy month for moms.  Between squeezing in those last few fun summer activities, and preparing children to start school, moms often feel scattered, overwhelmed, and that they’re not doing a very good job.  So I thought, this would be the perfect time to talk about self-care and being kind to yourself.  In general, I’ve found that  moms, including myself, are frequently  harsher and more judgmental of ourselves than anyone else in our lives. We expect ourselves to be superhuman and end up feeling bad when we aren’t.

What can moms do about this? First, make a conscious decision that you are deserving of the love and kindness you extend to your children, family and friends. Repeat to yourself, “I am a precious and special person. I may have my faults and shortcomings, but these do not define who I am more than what I do well. I am the only person in the world like me. I deserve the same love and kindness I show others. When I am self-critical, I feel bad and unworthy. Today, I will choose to treat myself with decency and respect because mother love begins from within.”

Second, practice self-care on a daily basis. Pay attention to your physical needs. Nourish your body with healthy foods at regular intervals. Don’t spend the day running around without eating, or filling yourself up with sugar, carbs and caffeine. You can’t feel good when your tank’s on empty, and when you feel bad, you’re more likely to view yourself negatively. Take breaks during the day to remind yourself that you’re a human being not a human doing.  As a human being, you deserve time to relax and restore — just because you’re you, and it’s good for you. Fifteen minutes twice a day, close your eyes and put your feet up; it will go a long way to help you decompress and unwind. It’s just one easy way to practice mother loving yourself.

Finally, whenever you start judging yourself for falling short of some idealized expectation, refocus your attention on all you do each day to care for your children and family. Give yourself credit for the small things, such as picking up milk on your way home from work, packing a school lunch, or shopping for school supplies. The last one, school supplies, was a pretty big production in our house, so you may want to reserve that for your “Big things I do” credit list. Next,  think about the big things you do daily which may not even be on your list. These include showing affection toward your children, praising them and nourishing their self-esteem, providing a safe and loving home for them to grow up in, being kind and respectful of them, etc. Too bad we don’t give ourselves more, if any, credit for what’s really important and instead tend to focus on the small things that fell off our to-do list.  Let’s redirect our attention to what counts most in nurturing our children and ourselves. This is another opportunity for mother love to grow.

As always, I welcome your comments about this post. Also, if you want to read more about my new book about moms and self-care, “Life Will Never Be the Same,” or have questions about how to practice “mother love begins from within,” contact me at http://www.realmomexperts.com. I’ll be tweeting about “mother love  begins from within” during August at http://www.twitter.com/realmomexperts.

Warmly, Diane Sanford, Ph.D.  author, educator, speaker and MOM!

Which Came First? A Mom’s Dilemma

Last week a mom was blogging about her postpartum experience, and posed the question, “Did my worrying postpartum lead to postpartum depression (PPD) or did my postpartum depression make me more prone to worry?”  I thought this was a great question, and waited to respond in this blog.  So, here it is.

The answer is that both are likely to be true.  While all moms worry about their babies and adjusting to the myriad of changes facing them, women who have constant worries and cannot quiet their fearful thoughts, are more likely to develop PPD.  My theory and that of other colleagues in women’s reproductive mental health, is that hormonal changes trigger increased physical and mental reactivity in new moms so that they will be attentive to their babies’ cues and take good care of them.  Unfortunately sometimes, this hardwired vigilance goes awry, and moms who are already prone to worrying become overwhelmed and obsessed with negative thoughts. If these thoughts do not diminish, these moms may develop postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety.

It is also true that worrying is a frequent symptom of PPD, unlike other depressions where the main symptom is feeling depressed, helpless or hopeless. With PPD, more women report anxiety, agitation and mental unrest, as part of the problem.  Becoming a new mom is challenging enough, but when a new mom experiences an episode of postpartum depression/anxiety, it can become unbearable.  More so than moms going through normal postpartum adjustment, including the “baby blues, ” moms with PPD blame themselves even more for not being good moms, and for falling short of imagined standards of good parenting.  For a more detailed discussion of these differences, preview my new book “Life Will Never be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide,” at www.realmomexperts.com.

What’s most important if a new mom is worrying too much, whichever came first, is that she gets the help she needs so she can get well.  In my blog, on Twitter and Facebook this month, I’ll be talking about self-care techniques moms can practice to help themselves feel better.  Chapter 2 in “Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide,” offers a detailed description of clinically-proven self-care strategies.  For moms experiencing worries accompanying the “baby blues” or “normal crazy,” this may be sufficient in relieving their distress and regaining their perspective.

While self-care is key to emotional health during motherhood, it is unlikely to be sufficient for moms experiencing clinical postpartum depression and/or anxiety. In these situations, it is important to consult your health provider including your obstetrician, family doctor, nurse practitioner, office nurse, childbirth educator, midwife, etc. and get a recommendation of whom to speak with that can provide the help you need.  Often in these situations, a combination of counseling, medication and support is needed for moms to get well.  Chapter 10 in my new book discusses the types of treatment available and what to look for in a counseling provider.

Join me this month as I blog about self-care.  Let me hear what’s helped you survive and thrive as a mom.  Remember if you’re on an airplane and there’s an emergency, they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first.  Let’s support each other in practicing self-care because you can’t take care of your family if you’re not taking care of yourself.

Warmly, Diane

Motherhood: A Journey That Never Ends

Written Sunday afternoon, July 25

From left, Rachel, Diane and Jessica Sanford

Well, I planned to write this Friday, but as the life of a mother goes, other things got in line first.  Mainly, moving my 22 year-old daughter to Columbia, Missouri, to start medical school.  Since we live in St. Louis, I’m relieved that she’s closer to home now than she was when she attended undergraduate school in Atlanta.  And being a dedicated mom, I decided I would stay in Columbia for as long as she needed.  Now, it’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m still in Columbia, compelled to finish some last few things while my daughter’s out playing volleyball with her med school classmates.  Little did I know when I first held her in my arms 22 years and 2 months ago what was ahead and that’s what this week’s blog is about.

On the Friday afternoon before we left for Columbia, I spent an hour visiting with a friend, whose daughter just delivered her first baby 10 weeks ago. Like most of us, her daughter expected new motherhood to be much different than what occurred. She had a wonderful pregnancy with no complications. She’d read all the books, studied all the online baby sites, and felt ready to embrace her new life.  Then she brought her son home, and everything changed.

Her son was a “fussy” baby, and she and her husband struggled with what to do to soothe him.  In her pre-baby days, she could always conquer the challenges facing her but not this. She was unprepared for the 24/7 dedication to her squalling bundle of joy as every new parent is. She felt unhappy, trapped, overwhelmed and guilty. Why did she feel like this? What had she done? How could she not adore her baby? Certainly this was not how things were supposed to be. She longed for her old life and wanted to run away. She fought to keep herself going, knowing there was no turning back.

The truth is new parenthood — because of the physical, mental and emotional demands — is one of the hardest things any of us will ever do, and that’s under the best circumstances.  Add a fussy baby, lack of sleep, sore bottom, little self-care time, disagreements over household responsibilities, unwelcome childcare advice, and all the other stressors new parents often face, and who would feel good? No one!

Negative feelings come with the territory, but until we acknowledge this new moms and dads will continue to feel guilty and think they are bad parents.

So, let’s help each other out. Let’s admit that caring for an infant and raising a child is the most demanding job ever. Let’s help new parents stop being so hard on themselves and instead support them through this incredibly challenging life transition. Learning a new skill takes time.

And just like I’ve discovered with my daughter, parenting is a journey that never ends.

P.S. I planned to come home Sunday night, but my car was shaking when I got on the highway. I pulled off the road and discovered I needed a new tire.  After 2 hours at Wal-Mart, I drove back to Columbia to spend another night there and got to wish my daughter well “in person” as she embarked on the next chapter of her life and I left for home.  God moves in mysterious ways.

To learn more about “Motherhood: The Most Demanding Job Ever,” preview Chapter 1 of Dr. Sanford’s new book, “Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide” at www.realmomexperts.com.  Please, also, leave your comments below.

“Motherhood:The Most Demanding Job Ever”

Earlier today when I was feeling exhausted from another writing project I’m working on, I remembered, “It’s Sunday. Time to write this week’s blog.” So I quickly gobbled a large chocolate chip cookie, hoping it would provide the needed inspiration. But, sadly, it did not work. Instead, I decided I’d been working too much and went outside with my 22-year-old daughter to get some fresh air. And that’s when it hit me: I’ll write about “motherhood: the most demanding job ever,” which is also the first chapter of our new book, “Life Will Never be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide.” Now mind you, I had already agreed to blog on this topic this month, but with all the busy-ness of the past few days, my head was a vaporous abyss, and I couldn’t even recall what I’d had for breakfast.

For new and veteran moms, motherhood is a 24/7, 365 days a year career (and often a calling), from the time your child is born until you die. New moms learn rapidly that it requires many long hours of physically hard, mindless, repetitive tasks that frequently go unacknowledged and certainly are under-appreciated, especially by that endless bundle of needs, your baby. Many moms and dads joke that it ‘s a good thing babies start smiling around 2 months old, just when you feel bone-tired and tapped out.  Finally, a small reward for a job well done.

Ideally, everyone would stand up and cheer as you proudly stroll  by with your baby in tow, applauding you for the effort, hard work, and tireless commitment you’re putting in to motherhood, the most important job ever. But do they? Heck, no. Instead, society devalues the intensity of the job and the unending demands new moms face. Moms who stay home to raise their children, sheepishly respond or don’t know what to say when asked “What do you do?” Moms who return to work after having a baby are expected to perform the same although now they have two jobs.

So, what will it take to create a new, kinder view of motherhood? To start, we must be clear with each other that the period following childbirth is challenging, and caring for a baby is hard work. Personally, I’ve never worked harder in my whole life, and I was constantly forgetting the day of the week, what I’d had for breakfast and where I’d put  the baby. But even more, we must learn to value and respect ourselves for everything we do from changing a diaper to wiping a tear because being a mom is ”the most demanding job ever.”

To learn more about this topic, visit www.realmomexperts.com and preview Chapter 1.

You can also watch my July 17 “Mom Matters” segment on KSDK.  Thanks to Kelly Jackson for her interview and Cassidy Moody for production.